Author's Thoughts
by Icarus Aurora
Summary: I write down a lot of thoughts while making stories. So rather than publish them as a second chapter in my stories, I thought I'd make an ongoing series that updates itself as I write. So in order to give my readers something else while I write (Cause I write long stories), here are my thoughts. Some will be emotional and aching, some will be absolutely random. All will be by me.
1. Forever Together, Forever Apart - Part 1

Sabre

Faerdir – Spirit(Faer) Man(Dir)

New favourite word – Susurrus

I weirdly got the title and plot idea from the quote 'We're in this together'

* * *

I want to say this before I start. I think it's great, that my work is inspiring others to write. I've been looking around when I can (Access to a pc is limited) and I find people saying they're writing cause they read me, and me making them do something new. It really does humble me seeing this, and I want to say thank you to those people simply for putting my name in their story. It's, humbling. So, in appreciation to my readers who follow me closely, Caravere, DJ Creeper, DigitalCypher (BIG SHOUT OUT TO MY BETA READER, WOOT, PROBABLY SHOUDLN'T BE DOING THIS IN A REALLY EMOTIONAL BIT OF WRITING), Jukemaster18, Killerguntop, Lumminate264, Nachtshadow, Nguyen Nguyen, Redwig, SecretPie, Suksan, TheFallenGeneral, The Limit of Force, Waddlebuff, navydiva, AdiposeSnorlax, BeartheLink, Dracobro, JcL107, MuffinMurf, Regicy45, Roamin12, Yordekaiser, savitar94, davda and RazorC (I see you there), and for anyone else who wants to simply read thoughts (I am a very literal typer, it'll be pretty true to my own thoughts), I will offer you my inspirations.

Personally, what actually drove me to write was kind of both need and as an apology. The need is because I'm studying to become a part of the film industry and I want to be able to write and create characters, and while I can't write a book, fanfic was the way to go and practice.

And the apology. My two greatest inspirations, J. and Terry Pratchett. From Tolkien I learnt description (Man there is wayyy to much in his books, but that's kinda while I love it, he's writing for himself, the readers just tag along) I learnt how to describe, to paint pictures. And from Pratchett I found out how to fill worlds with characters, make it seem like people lived in those worlds. Doing this, it's tiny parts of sentences, usually the stuff you'll whisk over, but they're integral to making your story feel deep.

The apology is to Pratchett. From him I learnt how to appreciate books, I learnt how to write comedy, and understand it. I learnt to look at the world and have a laugh at it because of how hopeless and tragic it may seem, we're still here. And I promised myself I'd go to meet him some day, and just say thank you. Well first he stopped book signing, no chance there, he was suffering with various illnesses yet survived most of them. Then he was still going to the festival of Hogswatch occasionally. But I never went. I contracted a unique type of depression which spawns from my long distance relationship which stopped me from going, so now when I'm with my girlfriend I fight depression (I don't blame her, she's amazing, it's an irrational depression with no one to blame, but it changed me and I'm not fit for her and she's not fit for me, but she still foolishly loves me and I don't want to leave and hurt her cause I still care for her and cause she deserves love and care, it's complicated as all hell). And I should've gone, even if he wasn't there, just hand a fan letter, or a postcard, or something to go to him. Just to say thank you. But I never did. I just wanted him to feel appreciated. To have basic human contact. But now, its too late, and now none of my inspirational authors live any more.

It's also why I write with a bit of comedy in all my writing style and talk to the reader, I was inspired by Pratchett

So this is my apology to them. I'm sorry I never properly expressed my gratitude to either of them (Admittedly, one was already dead before I was born), so I'll help fill the world with great stories and interesting characters.

Like they once did.

Good night Terry Pratchett.

You died the day Bard was released, so I like to think that a little bit of your soul is now a part of Bard. I'm sure you would've liked that, you techno savvy crazy fun old man.

Well this is a writing session wasted, I gotta go dry my eyes now and I can't think of writing anything else. I wonder if professional writers are all cry babies as well

* * *

Another writing session is now ruined, I watched 1966 Batman movie and all I can think about is camp things and how everyone's got 'shark repellent bat spray' ready at all times. God dammit 'Deus ex Machina'. Okay, managed to get 250 words done about, good enough for tonight I guess considering my brain just wants to 'DEUS EX MACHINA THIS SHIT'. That is not how writing works

* * *

Yay, let's sit down to do some writing. Huh, oh yeah, booking tickets back and forth to airport. Alright alright, go on the London underground, cool, cool. I suppose I'd better check all this international stuff is going fine, I mean I was told everything was completed almost 3 months back… 158 emails later tells me not so. Oh, and there's student finance. And more forms, and shuttle buses, temporary accommodation, initiation, Department of homeland security (WTF?), Fees fees fees, cooking dinner, finding documents, looking for stuff.

Sod it all, doing it later, sorry writing, I'm just gonna sit and watch Youtube for a bit, my head hurts from all this administration, can't I hire a secretary? Oh right, now I need an international bank. Becoming an American University student is bloody complicated

* * *

Really got stop playing League, but Butcher's Bridge is soooo good. And the storyline, and freaking everything they're doing. Thank god the lore team got back into action. Should I type with music on or not? Should I have so many biscuits? And why are Owls so funny? Okay, right, stop it. Need to plan out story, kinda hitting my head and just sitting here jamming. Should stop doing that.

* * *

I think this has akin to writing but I've been thinking a lot about filmmaking. And whenever I think of creating a scene or a film I just find a load of characters standing around and talking. And it's just kinda boring, like some films are great with it, and don't get me wrong, a lot of talking is needed in films, but it doesn't feel like a good film. Like a film with a lot of talking done well is Mr. Turner. Admittedly it's hard to watch and emotional, but in it they show so many different classes, relationships, lives, understandings and it's shown by how Turner has lived in all classes, from extremely wealthy to penniless(Favourite line showing this was 'Let me ask you a question on art young man, have you ever tried a Steak and Ale pie?'). Turner is the pivotal point where we can understand the world through, with a character who was only in the higher class it'd just become a boring movie. So what do I have to do? Do I always give characters something to do like in Spielberg's Oners (Oners (Pronouced One-urs) are where a scene is a single camera shot lasting about 2 minutes and the camera moves with the characters, it's what film students love cause they show finesse) or what? I'm kinda stuck. I'm not sure if this is to do with writing at all, but I feel like there must be something

* * *

I saw a hedgehog and managed to take pictures of it, it is a happy day and now I want to include hedgehogs into this story, why brain, why

* * *

Listening to music, my last day of rest in the UK before I'm off to America for at least a year, maybe 2.

* * *

Come on mind, remember to write like the characters are speaking to you. Mind you're really getting on my nerves, you have to remember so many things to be a good writer, you should do them subconsciously by now. So clearly, you're not a good writer. Well, always room for improvement. Think, if you asked a question to each of the characters, how would they respond, how would they say that answer and what would their body movements be. And that's kins just the beginning

* * *

I'm on a bus, I hit the floor. The bus had crashed, so I'm low low low low. My brain hurts…. Why am I writing on a 4 hour bus journey….? Cause I have nothing else to do… Stop arguing with yourself me….. Shut up me…. Why do you have to be logical… Now people are just gonna think we're crazy cause I actually typed this out….. God we're fraking stupid. You mean you are. You're also me me, you is also myself in which me…. Why the hell did I just do that. This headache isn't going to go away. I suck long distance trips. Even if I do them like 4 times a year. Makes no sense


	2. Forever Together, Forever Apart - Part 2

Hey hey, back in the game of writing. Okay, small update, America is boiling and humid in comparison to Britain. And so I am drinking utterly loads. Which is not good cause that makes me feel sick. So it's either I feel exhausted or I feel sick. But I got my room setup, after I got locked out cause the bursar had problems with me. And I still don't have classes yet. But man I do this for my readers. And cause it's fun. Tiring. But fun. I'm sure I had something to talk about. Ah well. Well right now I'm feeling mostly good. Whatever. Brain sleepy. But I know that I must force myself to write. Cause if you wait round until the time it right, or you feel up to it, or you're in the right mood, you'll never write. It's the same with everything. Don't wait. Just go out and do it, but definitely when you don't feel like doing it. Cause it'll feel even more satisfying. I KNEW I HAD SOMETHING TO SAY. I SOUND LIKE SHIA LABOUF

* * *

Okay kids, let's play a game of human tennis. How many departments can we sent this poor sucker too before he complains. Oh, we've been doing this for 3 weeks? Shit. I guess we better start telling him the right information. Well their goes our reputation for exchange students. I got seriously angry today, and it's hard to make me angry. I was just fed wrong information from the very beginning and I didn't stand for it anymore. I went in and complained to every department (And swore at a lot of people, people probably about double or triple my age, Fuck them). And it's finally got me somewhere, I have 1 confirmed class as of writing this. 1. Yeah. Thankfully though, I think my writing is at it's best yet for some reason. Woot, logic

I'm actually bringing up serious issues in my writing. And I'm just creating them and thinking of them as I go along. Does this make me a good writer? Like is this me getting better? If so, it feels awesome. Like literally awesomeness if the feeling felt right now. Holy crap! 2519 words! If it wasn't 1:30am I'd be continuing for another 24 hours. Man this is fun. I LOVE YOU READERS

* * *

Bloody hell, this story got to 8000 words almost overnight. I'll soon be able to shout 'IT'S OVER 9000!'. I also take from Cyanide and Happiness, whenever you see a comic sans text you just shout 'COMIC SANS!' The most hated text ever. I go for Times New Roman personally. Here's a question to every reader, what type do you use? Man I so wanna put this story up already but my style is 1 chapter stories so it's so bugging me!

* * *

I don't do well meeting many people at once. Working in front of crowd, done it before, performing in front of crowd, can do that too, even speaking to a crowd, yep can do that as well. Meeting a hundred people makes me nervous, at an event where you're meant to meet 1000 different people, yeah…. You get the general idea. It also doesn't help that they ask all international students to stand while everyone sits, saying 'Look at these people, they're completely different. These are the people to watch,' Like we're animals in a circus.

* * *

Feeling a lot better today. I didn't actually get anything done cause people just keep coming into my room. They wanna meet 'The British Guy' so we keep getting room invaded and watching movies. They're all amazing people though, really funny and it's really fun to watch people's reactions watching movies, really amazing movies, for the first time. I love being a film student. I hope you're all having a good time out there. If you're not, I recommend the film Hot Fuzz. It's one of the greatest action comedy movies ever to have existed, made by the mazing Edgar Wright. If you're feeling down or annoyed. WATCH IT.

* * *

Well I just got dumped by my girlfriend. I'll be honest, I was kinda expecting it, but I didn't want it to happen. I still wanted to work out my feelings, but the only way of doing that is by being with her, and in a long distance relationship that's hard. She was meeting new people and so was I, and I was basically asking her to wait till we met up so I'd either say no or yes. I still think she's amazing, and I know she doesn't read these. I didn't love her, was trying to love her, and she decided she couldn't keep going on 1 sided and wait for me to love back. I'm still going to meet up with her hopefully, I don't like my feelings left hanging, unknown, I like it to be clean at the very least. So even if I do still love her, and she's with someone else, I can wish her the best from the bottom of my heart, cause if any girls do read this, it's not about guys. Like seriously, it's not. It's all about her. If I found out I do still love her, I wont tell her my feelings, that'd be selfish. I'd just be me. It just makes me worried I'm not good enough for anyone right now

Well, at least now I know how the people feel in this story. God dammit I feel like shit. Like I'm just hanging here on the edge, not going to know how I even felt about her. And I've no idea of what I should say. Like I know what I shouldn't say, like sorry all those times, or I want to patch things up. You should know what you've. You should've said sorry beforehand. And I did, I'm glad I did. But… I dunno. My feelings waned, I joined an American university and too much went on and… I failed as a boyfriend. But I wasn't sure of my feelings. And I wasn't going to find out. Here I am trying to defend myself but I don't feel like I should be defended. So I'm in a constant cycle of wishing I had done more, but knowing that I should be true to my feelings and who I am so acting like a lie wouldn't have helped. It's just this constant shit cycle. Fuck it, this is a writing session wasted, can't probably do anything for the next couple of days. Thankfully I actually have lessons now. All 23 credits worth of it. Like wtf Uni? First you screw me over for three weeks then you make me take an entire year's worth of classes in a semester? I wanna have a life god dammit

Its currently 2am, no sorry, 2:30am. I have a class in 12 hours on my favourite subject and I've got to just act all happy and natural. This thing will probably update ever half an hour on how I'm feeling. Cause I've no idea how I'm feeling right now. Like I don't feel sad, I've accepted it. But it's like there's something else I can't accept and I've no idea what I'm feeling, whether it's anger or sadness or sickness or worry or anything. I don't fucking know. I'm listening to music but getting nowhere (Music is a great processor of emotions for me cause I spent all my life learning piano, so what music I listen too usually is my mood, so if you're ever in a room with me and there's music listen to it, it'll probably tell you how I'm feeling). 3Am, I just want someone to be close to me, someone I love and can talk to. My parents are too far away and now she's left and I'm not allowed to talk to her I don't have anyone as comfort. Even just knowing they're there. I'm just really struggling. I just want to break down and ignore the outside world. But even I know that's stupid, as said by Verner Herzog in Grizzly Man (Documentary) "Uncaring whether or not Tredwell is in the frame, the wind still blows, nature is still nature". My life has just exploded in the last 3 weeks, I thought I had a handle on it but now I'm not even allowed to talk to someone I trusted until Christmas. I'm in this new and foreign country, I only just had the faculty of my department actually help me get classes, I keep missing meals by accident, I can't access anything cause I'm not a part of the system, can't go to the gym, have no idea how exams work here, can't have any alone time as you always have someone next to you or near you. Like the last one really bugs me. I've had to run outside and sit under a tree whilst I cry writing this to actually feel alone. There is no god-damn privacy and it's getting to me. My cousins, too busy with work, no girlfriend now, my parents, in a completely different timezone, my friends, all probably either asleep or drinking cause of the age limit difference. I can't talk to anyone here about what I'm going through cause no one understands me whenever I try cause I'm from a completely different culture. No one knows how to leave it alone. It's 'oh look, he's British' all the time.

Well shit, I just filled 1000 words with my rant over my feelings. No doubt it'll all be sorted out in a couple of weeks, but man do I feel like shit right now.


	3. Forever Together, Forever Apart - Part 3

Well shit, I just filled 1000 words with my rant over my feelings. No doubt it'll all be sorted out in a couple of weeks, but man do I feel like shit right now.

Maybe this'll make me a better writer. With all the shit I'm feeling maybe it'll somehow make me better at writing. Oh, yeah, the trains that honk all through the night. Great, forgot about them. Something else to make me feel even better. FUCK IT.

* * *

Right, I just made a tease that the story would get released on the 1st of September. By my calculations I'm guessing I have around another 7000 words left to go. 7000 words in 3 days. Let's do this.

* * *

Why do I have so much going on! I'm just getting so into writing and then I have to go set up movie night! WHY?! I LOVE WRITING AND MOVIES! I'M A GOD DAMN FILM STUDENT

6000 words left, just finished the film night at 1:30 in the morning and by god I loved it but those guys want to stay up till 4 watching another movie so I kicked them all out of the room so they could watch it somewhere else. Just gotta get over the lemon, let's look around for inspiration, Thankfully DigitalCypher has been filling up my community with what he says is good lemons, so to him I say thank you. I wish there were more hours in the days to read more, but thank you so much. I'll probably update this tomorrow when I'll actually start on my work, this is kinda just my brain rambling right now and it's also a reminder to me to do this stuff. I'll post another chapter of my thoughts on the 30th, the day before I release the new story, who everyone knows the name by now cause I've already done it as the last two titles of chapters…. I should stop rambling and go to sleep

* * *

I really should stop playing league and actually write this story. I've got about 36 hours to complete it in and I've got 4000 words left. This'll be fun

* * *

ALRIGHT. Every scene other than the lemon done. WE CAN DO THIS. I should stop sounding like the advertising campaign for Obama. Everything will be finished on the 30th, even this little thought that I'm writing will be posted on the 30th. Everything is coming up! Woot Woot!

* * *

I just realised August had 31 days in it… I feel like an absolute moron…. Whatever, I'll finish it today… God dammit I could've slept in…

60 pages later….. FINSIHED. FUCKING FINALLY. I'm going to sleep. Sod my next update. I'll just schedule it to another time. I want to rest from writing right now. This…. Writing session is finally over. Finally finally over. And my god do I want a bar of chocolate right now! It's lunch time! I'm hungry! I'm going out to eat! And I am releasing this on the first of September at 5 o'clock in the afternoon! MY GOD I WANT SOMETHING TO EAT NOW.

* * *

Thank you everyone for the support you have shown me. It feels so nice to have a community that actually gives 2 fucks about people as people. I always try and promote a feeling that everyone is human. Your favourite creators are human, Riot employees are human, the people who serve you are human. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, but so many people just completely complain at the drop of the hat for a small mistake. I feel a lot of negativity when on the internet cause 'WHY ISN'T EVERYTHING RIGHT?' It's the world, it's life. Life is fucked up, it's not fair. So don't lose your shit over something small like a patch update, or spelling mistake which could've been a typo, or a creator not doing their schedule on time. You are human. I am human. Creators and workers and all the people who make your favourite content are all human. Mistakes happen cause we are human. So support your creators. Don't get mad at them having a cold or flu so they couldn't make videos or write stories. Offer them support

Cause we're human


	4. Sharing Prey - Part 1

So here we go again, as I mystify myself in the world of story writing. Hopefully I'll come out with something good. Either Femdom or Threesome this time. I feel like I might be going down a dark dark road, to more and more weird types of sex, but hopefully I'll keep on track of having actual love happening in my stories as well. Waddlebuff I'm sure will help with that, he's been a voice in my ear to remind me that real life is in fact real, and there are actual relationships. But I'm glad my work is inspiring people, weirdly, but hey I'll take what I can get. Glad to work on people and help them throughout their lives. So let's go! BRAINSTORMING, ACTIVATE!

* * *

Aw man, why are there so many good character in league? Why? I wanna write about all of them. This is going to be a headache now. Okay, we'll do both at the same time then. This is going to be fun. I just can't make my mind up cause they're good stories alright? So I'm sorry if this is just me rambling on about how I can't make my mind up. I just can't.

* * *

I'm looking into different backgrounds and how the lore team actually write. It's really interesting, giving them viewpoints. It's so weird. Like you hardly ever see a villian's viewpoint unless it's made really well, film or book. So when I re-read Rengar's viewpoint in the Gnar story, it was really intriguing. Also, weirdly it seems to suggest that Rengar likes yordles but doesn't kill them. I find that funny for some reason.

* * *

Huzzah! A pairing I think would actually work! Like legit. What I try to do is always strive to give you a story that is set in the league of legends universe. Now, you may think, that all fandoms are set in the LOL universe, however I would like to argue differently. There are different universes, fanboy and fangirl universes. Come on, admit it, there's no way in the real league of legends universe that you could have a "Summoner school" and Rengar, Sion, Darius, J4 and Garen would all be a part of the same class. Come on guys, even Riot admits this and makes skins for them! Even they have skins which say "What if these characters were in a different universe?". So these story are not separate universes in which I write. I make stories as close as I can to the real universe (Although I'm arguing it, and this story totally would not happen, so why am I arguing it again? No bloody idea. Maybe I'm being a self-righteous idiot)

* * *

Life. Please use lube from now on. I HAVE A DAY OFF?! WTF IS GOING ON? I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING (AT LEAST SERIOUSLY WORRY)! FREEDOM! I'm gonna celebrate by buying some doughnuts. And chocolate, and more. I'm just so hungry and happy. I'm sorry readers, I'm sitting down and putting my feet up. Seriously. A friend gave me their Netflix, I am having doughnuts, I have no serious work to worry about immediately (I do, but I've done the initial phase, around a month before anyone in my class has so I'm resting right now). All I have to do in classes right now is turn up, hand in a piece of paper and then stick my middle fingers up at the world. I've been working non-stop recently. This is even more pressure than having a job. At least in a job there's just one thing. It's your job and it doesn't follow you back home. But in University it's bloody everything. I do around 3x more than the average American student. This is what I get from being a transfer student. But I'm still writing for you guys. Even if it's just 3000 words a week, or 1500 words in a writing session (That's my minimum, I won't stop working on the story until I have reached that, that's my promise to you guys). I will not stop. But right now, I've been overworked, with no pay. My laptop died and I have a new one now. I have a life now which is slowly getting under control (Only 5 out of 7 final projects left to do for lessons this September, and by the way, none of those are general education lessons, they're all focused film and theatre lessons. Because in Britain you don't do general education after you're 16 years old. You really should know how to write a sentence by then. 2 down. 3 started. 1 I'm planning before I start. 1 I don't want to touch until last because it's disgusting. It's a business plan. And those are horrible, like seriously horrible)

* * *

I just looked at what I just wrote. My god do I ramble. And by the way my original university kicked me out. Cause they were like 'Hey, you know you've been studying abroad for 2 months now. Well guess what, you didn't sign up for your second year in Britain so now you're kicked out of university despite the fact we sent you to study abroad! Hahahahaha, aren't we fucking funny cause the international office can't sign me as 'in' for the year I'm abroad. OR the fact that there isn't a system for those who're going abroad to study for us they still have to register to be in university! My god we're so hilarious!' Yeah, so I'm really really pissed right now. Good news, I should still be able to exist, but it's just even more paperwork. 2 days ago I almost got kicked out of the country cause my ESTA ran out. You have no idea how stupid and complicated my life is right now. Oh, and all the professors have decided we're doing our final projects now, 8 weeks before term ends. So yeah. From relaxing yesterday, I'm down diarrhea drive. So I hope you guys are doing okay. I mean seriously guys, don't do a me. Learn to split your work up into manageable chunks. Soon though I'll have Fridays off. I really can't wait. I really, really, can't wait.

* * *

I'm hoping to finish this story pretty soon, maybe a week before the actual date I'm giving it out. But I've also got the horror 48. We'll have to see what we do. I'm really considering joining a different group, rather than going with out own. Cause I'd have to lead my own. And right now, I really don't want to do that. We'll have to see come Friday how I feel.

* * *

Stay classy, Planet Earth


	5. Statics Collected While I've Been Ill

Huh, after 2 weeks of hell, a week of rest, I'm finally back into writing. I have 2 weeks to write another lemon story. I think it's possible cause I'm on holiday over thanksgiving, something which I've never had before and doubt I'll celebrate much. I'll be basically doing everything I need to do in those 5 days of no stress. So that'll be good. So culture and screenwriting to worry about after thanksgiving. Directing and distributions to worry about before thanksgiving. Life is looking alright, even though I'm really really worried.

Okay, short, quick update. I'm sick. And writing. Not a good idea. So instead I'm going to gather information

Okay, I'm going to do a list to actually see who's got the most. So here are all the English Rated M stories(Obviously, this list leaves out compilation stories). Only problem with this list is, they're just rated M, not only lemons.\

Women:

Kindred – 1

Kalista – 2

Poppy – 3 (REWORK INCOMING)

Karma – 5 (Come on people! There should be more out there)

Lulu – 5

Orianna – 8 (Potential here)

Sivir – 8 (WTF? MUST FIX IMMEDIATELY)

Tristana – 10 (? I honestly thought there'd be more)

Evelynn – 11 (And here too, like seriously, even riot when thinking about her rework listed one of her attributes as sexy)

Annie – 12 (NOT TOUCHING)

Lissandra – 13

Zyra – 13 (huh….)

Nami – 13

Cassiopeia – 15

Soraka – 16 (wtf? Why is there not more of her?)

Janna – 17 (Wtf? She's like naked in the lol world, why isn't there more of her?)

Elise – 19 (Hmm)

Kayle – 24

MF – 25 (Wow, for the busty pirate I expected more sex and pounding and everything)

Irelia – 25 (Man, A lot more than I thought, though I wish there was more)

Morgana – 26 (not sure what to think of this one tbh)

LeBlanc – 26 (Also expected more here)

Fiora – 26

Shyvanna – 27

Sejuani – 31 (These are a lot of war stories and yuri, looks like she needs a story of her being smashed by Bristle)

Nidalee – 31 (Guys, wtf, come on. One of the most sexualised characters and only this much)

Quinn – 34 (wow, more than Nidalee)

Vayne – 34

Diana – 40 (Less than darius? Wtf?)

Leona – 44 (Wow, more than I thought)

Akali – 48

Syndra – 49

Sona – 55 (Waddlebuff!)

Ashe – 63 (Not many stories about her ass specifically considering the amount of DAT ASHE jokes)

Jinx – 72

Riven – 97 (I really wonder how many of them is her with zac)

Lux – 112 (Holy crap, that incest)

Vi – 133 (SO, MUCH, YURI….)

Ahri – 134 (Foxy lady, oh man I'm coming out with the jokes today)

Caitlyn – 138 (See Vi)

Katarina – 155

Males:

Corki – 0 (huh….)

Galio – 1 (Stone dick incoming)

Brand - 1

Zilean – 1 (Old man sex….. that made me shiver)

Olaf – 1 (Come on people, berserker sex?)

Ryze – 1 (Well, his cock obviously hasn't Ryzed enough. HoHohoho….)

Sion – 1

Trundle – 1 (No troll sex? Come on)

Rammus – 2 (OK)

Dr. Mundo – 2

Karthus – 3

Gangplank – 3 (Gangbang maybe?)

Braum – 4 (Always bring Braum to gangbang. Now read that again in Braum's voice)

Gragas – 4

Mordekaiser – 4 (Can see how this one is hard. Hard. God I'm a child sometimes)

Nautilus – 4 (Sometimes I think this anchor weighs me down….)

Renekton – 4

Shaco – 4

Yorick – 4 (This champion…..)

Hecarim – 4 (Wow, would've thought horseboy would've had more)

Master Yi – 5 (Fast shot? Ehh)

Singed – 5

Udyr – 5

Wukong – 5

Aatrox - 5

Heimerdinger – 7 (The donger)

Jax – 7

Kha'Zix – 7

Nocturne – 7

Veigar – 7

Xin Zhao – 8

Ekko – 8

Lee Sin – 9 (Blindness is no impairment….)

Taric – 9 (Gems are truly outrageous)

Kassadin – 10 (Void dick)

Volibear – 10 (Feel the thunder!)

Warwick – 11

Kennen – 11

Varus – 11

Ziggs – 12 (Explosive personality)

Lucian – 13 (He black – Best quote I've heard in an interview ever)

Pantheon – 15 (Bakers are sexy men)

Rumble – 15 (Getting some booty with that big machine)

Viktor – 15 (I feel like a cult member would want to have sex with him but him refusing could be a story)

Malzahar – 18 (More void dick)

Nasus – 19 (Think I have something here)

Swain – 19 (HE HAS MORE THAN SORAKA? WTF?)

Teemo – 19

Tryndramere – 22

Rengar – 23 (Rawwr)

Draven – 24

Vladimir – 27 (Well this guy loves virgins)

Thresh – 28 (Raping souls, all day long)

TF – 28

Graves – 28 (That cigar though boys)

Yasuo – 37

J4 – 37 (DEMACIA! Imagine him shouting that while….)

Shen – 42 (The unseen dick is the dealist)

Darius – 43 (weirdly high? Them rape scenes)

Zed – 43

Garen – 64 (Buff guys get a lot of girls? Either that or a lot of kataxgaren stories)

Jayce – 65 (Huh)

Ezreal – 91 (HAHAHAHAHAHAA)

Talon – 91 (Ummm…. Okay?)

Others:

Malphite – 0

Maokai – 0

Skarner – 0 (Skar, Skar, Skarner)

Bard – 1 (Is it weird I had to look at it?)

Kog'Maw – 1

Fiddlesticks – 2

Gnar – 2

Tahm Kench – 2

Zac – 2 (NEEDS MORE RIVEN. XD)

Nunu – 2 (Yeti anyone?)

Amumu – 3

Reksai – 3

Urgot – 3

Azir – 4

BlitzCrank – 4

Xerath – 4

Twitch – 6

Alistar – 4 (Hmmm, I feel like doing a 50 word Agatha story with him now XD) (Alistar, I have cow you should meet)

Anivia – 7

Cho'Gath – 7 (Read some good ones of him actually weirdly(

Fizz – 7

Vel'Kox – 8 (Tentacle porn, clearly more needed)


	6. Spellbound

**Hi everyone. I'd like you to read this bit first. This is just a short notice to say I'm out of the bad parts of my depression and I did indeed suffer with a pretty strong and threatening depression. As I'll explain in more depth in this Thoughts, it spawned cause I love someone so much it brought up really really old psychological scarring. This, combined with John Green (Who is a fantastic author) and his books, and the fact that people around me were trying to commit suicide and, and my long distance from the one I love so much as well dissatisfaction with my university lessons (Though this was actually nothing, the depression caused it to be a lot more), my downwards spiral, which should've been quite slow, actually sped up massively. As of such, I became paranoid, obsessive, controlling, easily angered, stupid, uncaring, reclusive and attacked and brought up things for no reason.**

 **And as of such I believed myself to be the scum of the earth. I'm sorry to everyone I failed for succumbing to it. I lost the one person dearest to me because I broke in the middle of the year. Right when I was with her. Now due to the weird circumstances I've had in my life, my recovery was in fact sped up by the situation I was put in, so technically, my suicidal depression only lasted a year. I'm now suffering with emotions, mostly the regret of the previous year. 2015 was indeed a year of regret. But they're real emotions, and for that I'm happy. I still suffer with a few side effects of depression but I'm slowly getting over them.**

 **So I've recovered. But I lost myself in 2015, and now I need to steadily build myself again, to the caring, reckless, wise, fun-loving, book reading, understanding, helpful, stubborn, honest, kind, hard-working person I was before. Because I certainly was not that in 2015.**

 **I'm sorry Livi if you're reading this. I'm sorry I broke when you visited me and I took you to Paris. I'm sorry I lied to you when I said I wasn't sure when I loved you.**

 **I actually don't have the words to describe how I feel about all the stuff I said and argued with you about. How I hurt you but I really didn't mean to. Depression, I know, is no excuse for who I was in 2015. But I want a second chance. Cause I love you.**

 **So to those of you out there. Thank you for reading.**

* * *

My readers! My beautiful beautiful readers. Like seriously, you guys are awesome. Please, talk to me more, review my stories, tell me what I need to improve on! You perverted guys and girls are the entire reason I keep this up. So to all of you. Thank you

* * *

I'M BACK BITCHES! I'VE NEVER USED THAT PHRASE BEFORE BUT FOR THIS ONE TIME ONLY, I WILL! Seriously though, I'm back. Finally to writing. I have to make Christmas presents (Yes make, I'm a handmade person) and write this story and make a business plan and screenplays and everything! BUT I'M ON BREAK SO I HAVE TIME TO DO THEM FINALLY! YES! So to all of you out there, thank you for your continued support! I love you guys and girls! You have no idea how much your… anything just means so much to me. Literally, just review and even if it's just you saying hello, that helps so much. A PM, a review, an alert, anything. Just knowing people have read it and liked it. Is so so much to me. So thank you everyone.

* * *

Telling you this now, if you're doing stencilling, get a printer or cutter that'll cut out the image for you. Even if you're doing words, get it to cut it out for you. Jesus H Christ, it took me 15 minutes to cut out 8 letters

* * *

Right, decided I'll make this a Christmas present to you guys, but my body is like, no man, you need sleep. I passed out trying to read- write this. See what I do for you guys?

* * *

 **Special thanks to:** **Caravere, DJ Creeper, DigitalCypher, Jukemaster18, Killerguntop, Lumminate264, Nachtshadow, Nguyen Nguyen, Redwig, SecretPie, Suksan, TheFallenGeneral, The Limit of Force, Waddlebuff, navydiva, AdiposeSnorlax, BeartheLink, Dracobro, JcL107, MuffinMurf, Regicy45, Roamin12, Yordekaiser, savitar94, davda, leoryzap, dovabear12, Yuji23, Mozer121, Sherixoxo, Karilastar, InfamousX07, TheUnholyMessiah, MrR3DP4ND4, FishGoesBlub, silverjack20, Zneazul, ewardras111, T.S. Atlas, shermiie, TheLastYukami, KitsuneAmbassator, Hero_Entertainment, pidomichelle, DoctorKDoom, Tiramisu Von Hohenzollern,** **ThatUnholyAfro, , , Creaturemaster and RazorC**

* * *

Man that list is growing

* * *

For those of you out there, I'm going for weird and interesting lemons. Sometimes I'll do stories with a lemon, sometimes. And those will be for myself and my writing improvement. But a lot of this is for you guys and girls, because I enjoy doing it and you perverts enjoy reading it. All hail glorious perverts

* * *

Alright, alright. Back in the game. Gonna set myself targets again (I dropped them previously as I went through a tough transformation time. Life) and I'm gonna get work done.

* * *

I said in a previous author's notes, the very first one, that I actually got a interesting depression. Well I've found out the truth that it didn't spawn from my long distance relationship. The long distance relationship stopped me from healing though, cause it made me think of her. I should've put the relationship on a break while I thought of myself and fixed myself. Obviously now after we've broken up, it seems so obvious. The depression, I'm not sure what is spawned from. Existentialism I think is what caused it. But that's so wide and broad there's actually no way of pinning it down. But it made me think of myself as a grenade basically. I hated myself, my existence, all of my problems, I thought she deserved more, I thought I was going to hurt her, I thought I was going to die. I thought I was the grenade with the pin pulled and I was going to blow up in her face. So I distanced myself from her, lied to her and that hurt her so much and we eventually broke up. I thought it was the right decision that everything would work out. I was arrogant enough to believe I wasn't depressed, and these thoughts were natural. I was going to "symbolically" propose to her and ask to move in with her family until she finished University. Her dad even said I could when I asked (Without telling her of course).

So here I am. She's too hurt from me and I'm trying to get back together with her even if she wont talk to me. Cause I never stopped loving her.

* * *

As with many problems in life, especially mental ones, you can solve them just by talking about them. Helps if you talk to someone but that's just an extra to be completely honest. I've learnt why I was depressed. And yeah, it's because of her. My only love. The reason why I was depressed is exactly because I loved her. I had an emotion bond with my grandma, I loved her more than anything else, more than my parents, more than physical things, more than anything. And then she died when I was young and this scarred me. Now this wouldn't be a problem it seems because there was no one else I loved like I did my grandmother. Then my girlfriend came along, and then after our first long meeting (we had two weeks together) I was in love with her like no other. And the problem with this was, I love her more than I love my grandmother and I had to let my grandmother go now I had someone who made me feel this way (btw, for those reading, I don't love the dead body that is my grandmother that's rotting in the ground, it's emotional relationship, get it right). However because of this that meant all of the emotional scarring that I had previously ignored from her death, came back up because someone else took her place. The girl I love. So right now, I'm feeling okay. Like the problem, and year of regret that is 2015, has still happened, and I can't take it back. But I know the reason now why I became depressed, and as I no longer depressed I will continue moving forwards and being myself.

The real me.

* * *

For the will of the people, I'm splitting the stories up into chapters. I've had several people recommend it to me and had several messages about it (PM me as much as you like, I love talking to people, you're all fascinating). So for the people, what the plan of action is! I'm going to split it up into chapters and release them over the month. Then at the end of the next month, I will release the whole story as one chapter so those who like one big story can have their fill as well. So sorry but all of my previous stories are going to get shuffled around a bit as they're split into chapters.


	7. Spellbound - Part 2

So here I am, in a glass box, with nothing to do. So time to turn back to writing. Okay, that's a lie. I've been writing for a while now, but I've been dealing with a lot of emotion right now which has been stopping me from doing a lot of creative stuff. But now that I'm over a lot of it, I can distract myself with actual projects. So many projects. I've also decided that I'm going to read Tolkien again, just cause. I'm also writing down my experience of a mental illness. Being classified as 'unstable' isn't really a great experience. But enough with the sadness! To happiness and smut! I mean…. Actually I'm really not sure! To the thesaurus!

* * *

Okay, I'm going to attempt to get this one around 5k of words. Dunno if it's possible, but I'll try. No doubt it'll be about 6k in the end.

* * *

HEY WORLD. The biggest problem with me actually writing, my roommate, moved out! Cause he's a dick! And I wasn't apparently partying enough, looked after people when they were drunk and stopped people from getting alcohol poisoning! And you know what happened when I wasn't there? People got alcohol poisoning, the party exploded and people ended up crying. Something I really wanted to deal with when I came back at midnight from work. So yeah, and because I look after people and make sure the girls are okay, even offering a girl to take my bed while I slept on the ground, means I took advantage of a drunk women. Despite the fact that's actually what he's been doing for every time we got drunk. So screw him. I'm free! I get a massive room to myself, I'm covering the walls with my posters and I have so much space to get drunk on my own in! WOOT. LIFE IS GOOD. No more emotional problems, no more roommate problems, no more drama problems, and only slight mental illness problems (yeah, I'm mentally ill, call me insane or retarded, get over it). I will have this story finished to the highest degree!

* * *

I'd just like to give a small update to that previous message. I actually reached a state of emotion soon after I wrote that message saying life if good which I have not been able to reach in over a year. The emotion was happiness. And it may sound weird so I'll explain. It was genuine unheeded happiness. Something good happened today, my roommate moved out. And this night, I've got to spend with all my friends who I can with. The people I care about, the people who I laugh and have fun with. And after it all, I felt light. So light I just stared into space for 10 minutes until my friend tapped me on the shoulder. It was happiness without worry, without cause, without anything. It was happiness that I existed. It wasn't happiness where I had to give something up, or had to work my ass off to achieve it, or I had to pay or lose something to experience it. I can feel that type of happiness. But this, this was just so pure and unthinking. I felt happy for being there. With all my friends. I felt happy to exist, so much I didn't know what to do. Now I've gone and cried for 5 minutes cause that alone means so much to me. Mental illness and depression weighs more heavily than people will let on, even when they admit they have it, like me. So feeling real again, makes me so happy. Cause it means I'm legitimately getting better, and that is so much to me right now. I'm starting to become me again. I feel alive

* * *

So hey team, I'm actually looking into the movies of Bruce Lee right now so I'm kinda just chillin. Tomorrow I'm going job hunting, in the film and television industry… woop. But as of right now, all the food places are shut, so I have nothing to eat and must go out of the way because screw spring break. But hey, I'll be able to complete this story in it, and maybe another story. Who knows? I'm good right now, so I'm off to find some food. Most likely it's going to be fast food, because that's the only god damn thing around here that's open. Screw me.

* * *

Okay, my phone is the hated thing of university students. It ran out of battery whilst I was working, okay, no biggie, but it then turned itself back on, just to set off it's alarm and then died a second later cause it had no battery. Since when were phones smart again?

* * *

Wow I typing out a lot of thoughts again aren't I? Well guess what. I'm starving myself for a day. Why you may ask? Because I have no money for food. And what I actually need money for is my film project I'll be doing this summer. So yeah, I'm just here, typing away. I've had an apple. And as much water as my body can take basically. So I've been working on stories, relaxing and not using much energy. Also been making The Black Penguin club seem more professional. Got backups and underlying structure now incase things take off. Made the appeal seem more like an old fashion club, like Old English fashioned, like with monocles and mustaches. It's really fun.

* * *

Okay, you really have to be in the right mood and mindset to actually write smut. I'mma tell you that now for any of you out there who wanna write it. However I've been through enough LIFE CRAP and have been putting this off for so god damn long that I am finishing it today! Even if I have to stay up all night and force myself into the mood and mindset, I god damn will because this is bloody annoying me, I need to finish this story, if not for me then for my readers!

Also, I'm screwed for money, someone please commission something…. God I'm low, I'm asking for a commission. I'm not serious btw guys, well, I am screwed for money but I'm not going to just ask for money, that's low. I dunno, I'll just sit here and giggle.

* * *

And I guess I should give an update on how I'm feeling. I dunno, hardly anybody reads this. This literally is 0.2% of the views of another one of my stories. I'm doing good. As you probably know from an update earlier my roommate moved out and I'm feeling good. Mental illness is the thing I deal with right now, and even that I'm beating. Damn my mind. Anyway, I'm good personally. I finally let go of my relationship with the one I love. The only thing I wanted to do was explain to her and apologise. Nothing more, just to let her know the truth. If not for her, then for me, so I've sent off one final handwritten letter and that's the last time I will ever contact her. Mental illness kids, can ruin your life will say that now. And you must make the first step, admitting you have it. Cause I didn't, was arrogant and stupid (Partly cause of the mental illness). And now I've gotten a tattoo which will become my profile picture, to show that I will never succumb again.

* * *

Kids, the thesaurus is your friend. IS. YOUR. FRIEND.


	8. Hot Air

15k of words by April the 15th, rather fitting. WOOP WOOP, a new story'll be released. Woop woop, it's the sound of a feast.

Alright, time is up, it's over, you cast your vote, you've said what you wanted. And the winner is! Janna!

Janna had 8

Vi had 6 (I AM DOING A STRAIGHT VERSION)

Diana had 6 (I AM DOING A GOD DAMN STRAIGHT VERSION)

Riven had 4 (I'm doing her last, but I'm doing a fantasy version of her one, was inspired by an out of league idea)

So my question is, are there any requests for the Vi, Diana and Riven stories? Cause I won't do them until I find something interesting to do with them, they have a lot of stories already

I got structure in my life again, now that spring break is finally over. Well, it was over ages ago, but I'm used to 2 weeks holiday around Easter so my body was screaming at me to go lie down for an entire week cause it wanted more time off. And cause of that, I kept taking the weeks pretty casually BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENS UNLESS YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN. Sorry, I've just realized the work that I do is only happening cause I've been getting up and doing it to ignore my pain, now that I've sat down and dealt with my pain, my body is all chill and hasn't been up for working cause everything is ZEN. BUT I NEED TO WORK, I'M GETTING ANTSY. I LIKE WORK. WORK MEANS I'M DOING SOMETHING OR MAKING A DIFFERENCE OR LIVING!

So I have 19 days to finish 15k of words. This'll be interesting. Gotta do my research paper first though, and job interview, and interviewing people, and what not.

Alright, 66% of the paper done, job interview done, interviewing people done, being hurting from thinking too much, check. Time to play some mind numbing league and then to write some story! BOO YA

Damn, I just realized I should've done a sexy story for Easter. Damn. Man that would've been an awesome treat for my readers.

Also, ever think you need just the right music to write? Like, I dunno, do all the greats write with music? Do they write in silence? Can the write anywhere? Could they write on a motorway whilst someone else drives? I just stuck me, that how to people write? I'm serious, like how do people write? With Pen and paper? In certain environments? With music? Without it? How do those brilliant minds, just, write? It just strikes me as a question that is imperative to every single person. How do you think, how do you write, what are your conditions?... Man I'm getting philosophical all of a sudden, it just strikes me. Is it the same for all writers? Like script writers? Television writers? Short or long story? Book or novella? Poem? Song? Historian? HOW DO PEOPLE WORK? Is basically the question

Okay, I like it when my stories work in the world that they're in. So that's the reason why I don't do many actual pairings, cause it would never work. Like Elise and Lucian, like okay fine, this is fanfic but I want my stories to have a bit believability. Like this could actually happen in the League world. So I will do pairings, I've had a couple of requests, but I will find ways to justify them first, for instance I've found that I actually have a storyline that justifies Diana and Zed pairing, so I can actually do that one if I ever make it.

Too all my peeps out there who actually read these notes, you may know by now I'm actually a filmmaker. Yes, the most competitive and reckless job ever to exist, as well as one of the most creative ever. And it's tough, so tough to make films, it's not just the creation of one person, it's the creation of many people. It's like a boat, and if you're the director, you're the captain. Then you've got your producer who's the account on the boat telling you you've got to keep a watch on your cargo cause your money'll run out and you've got your first mate who's your cinematographer and your riggings leader who's the gaffer on set. And so on and so forth. But I bring this up now, because film is my passion, my drive. I watch Cloud Atlas, a 3 hour epic and my god, the film was perfection. I don't watch many films and can say that (I'm critical, I'm a filmmaker, we're all uncompromising dicks, but constructive critism dicks). Its just ignited within me an understanding of the true beauty of what I create. And although there may not be a wide understanding of what makes it beautiful and the techniques used, I can still attest to this beauty. And that's all that matters. I love creating things, I love making these vast worlds and beautiful compositions. It's a reckless job, but today I reminded myself why I love it so much, and why I'll keep pursuing it to the ends of the earth. I know this thought doesn't actually contain much thinking or new thinking, but I just had to put it out there. I was so moved, so motivated, a fire was lit within me again, a fire that I must express myself, I must create these images, I must learn more about this world, I must understand. I must know what I am a part of, I must know who I am. I feel awakened

SO MUCH PAIN. I TORE THE BACK OF MY THROAT OPEN AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW. THIS SUCKS, AT LEAST 5 DAYS RECOVERY. THIS STORY WILL NEVER GET WRITTEN WITH THE AMOUNT OF STUFF THAT KEEPS POPPING UP

Hey, I have a tattoo now. So that's cool. I'M ALSO ABSOLUTELY PISSED AT LEAGUE. I'M SUCKING, AND I'M BLOODY COMPETETIVE UNDERNEATH SO IT MEANS I PLAY TOO MANY GAMES CAUSE I LOST 1. ARGHGHGHG

And it's really hard to find time to actually do this. To actually write stories I need to be healthy and have a big drive. Now after my previous story where I sat down and forced myself, this time I plan on taking it easier. Not too easy, I've seen what happens when I do that, but I want to prioritize my life first. So progress is slow, but I'm getting there. I'm sorry readers, I'm really trying to put more effort into everything I do, and that also means I get less effort in writing but I promise I'm trying to make it up to you


	9. Hot Air - 2

I've already failed to reach my target of doing it by the 15, I missed it by a long shot but I have so much stuff to worry about and I'm still in recovery mode from my mental illness and depression so all my brain wants to do is de-stress and relax (Telling you now, it sucks and I am so glad I'm out of it though) But I don't want to disappoint my readers and that sucks even more. There are positives, major major positives, like for instance this writing style I'm actually going with a more playful writing style. And I've got so many ideas now, actually things I wanna do in my life rather than just 'eh?' and I'm answering big questions and I'm actually doing things! But my body and brain right now kinda don't want to and they wanna relax and play video games. Which is fine and all, I think relaxation is actually what I need but I'm not going to get it cause of school, and work, and being in a different country, and going into a new job, and etc, etc. My relaxation time is over it seems. So I apologise to my readers out there for not putting up as many stories as I could, but personal health comes first.

* * *

Please message me, tell me how you're doing, I'd love to hear from you. I really would, talking to people helps with my personal health as well and to be honest, I'm a listener, not really a talker and people are fascinating so talk!

* * *

It's so much fun just writing about my favourite characters. ARGH THERE'S SO MUCH I WANNA DO. Like I'm going to get back into drawing cause I want to try out making a comic, I'm writing stories, I'm practicing photography, going to the gym, trying to write scripts for films, reading, swimming, poetry, want to listen to more music, want to read more books, want to play more video games, watch more tv, do more! It's like after my mental illness life has just grabbed me and shouted in my face and I'm shaking it and shouting back in excitement. Life's amazing! Do whatever the hell you want! Don't just watch other people, learn from them, expand from them, do something amazing yourself! I have so many writing friends on Fanfiction here, and we just write and I love how they inspire me to do more, and they write because I write and they talk and conspire and we build things together. Like for my next work after this Janna story I'm going to see if I can collaborate with someone! I'm not even sure who yet and but I'm going to just ask them and see if we can get something going! Maybe we'll make a massive series, maybe there'll be several people involved? Maybe we'll make it a challenge and each person contributes a story to the challenge? WHO KNOWS? I'm just going to do it cause! COME TALK TO ME PEOPLE, I WANT TO DO STUFF WITH YOU

* * *

Hey team, or readers, or whatever you like to be called. I had a freaking busy month of April and May. I wanna say I have still been writing. A lot slower than usual I'll admit and I don't like that fact. The truth is that I still suffer with anxiety and depression and it'll probably be with me for life. Like a scar that'll never go away. I have one of those actually, it's kinda cool. April was super busy for me as I had to actually do a lot of things for University as it came up to the final weeks and then in May I've been packing and preparing and applying for jobs and shouting back and forth at people about things being paid and where I'm going to live and have just been trying to destress myself. But my head is still affected, and I'm really really sorry for not keeping up and writing more. I love writing, it helps with my emotional state so much and I can create something amazing. But my head just makes me think I don't want to do it and it's just so hard to actually do it, just to get up and start. I know it's the right thing to do, I know it'll make me feel better, I know a hell of a lot of things that're good for me. But I just struggle to do it because I wanna rest from everything else, from my head, from my work, from university, from everything. And I'm going through a bit of a thought process right now as well so a lot of questions are being asked and now that Uni's finished for now they're becoming even more pressing and it eats away at me. So I'm trying to recover from depression and anxiety, trying to find the parts of my personality it stripped away, trying to work, trying to be motivated and trying to write for you guys as well cause your reviews and messages are sometimes small, and sometimes just a 'Good job' but to me they're everything. So I'm going through a… not a rough spot. But a thinking spot. Like I need to work out who I am and what I wanna do.

So on the back of that, I'm going to be starting up a blog page (Maybe Tumblr) and am just going to be creating things and trying out new things and seeing what happens. It'll include everything, from pictures, to animations, to drawings, to stories, to scripts, to paintings, to films, to everything. I want to just create and see what happens. It'll also be good place to actually keep my portfolio as well.

Thank you all for your support


	10. A Moonlight that Casts a Shadow

**Author's Thoughts 10?**

I kinda forget which one we're on after a while I've been doing this for so long

* * *

So there we are, the community has decided on what they want. Kinda overpoweringly they've chosen the Z and the D and now I will spin my mystical writing powers around the mystical writing loom and eventually come out with a mystically written story. Mystically

And I went way too far with the mystical thing. Anyway. IT IS TIME TO WRITE AND BRAINSTORM. BRAINSTORMING! AWAY! TO BAD! D&D JUST TOOK OVER! CRAPPPPPPPP

Alright! I just did my first D&D as a DM and I didn't completely suck! Praise the sun! Maybe I should write my D&D adventure on here? Would people be interested in that? I made a kinda interesting plot line I think. And the PCs didn't actually completely destroy it which is weird.

* * *

So I haven't really made my plan yet, though that was doing other things. And guess what, I've probably got even more things to add to my daily list of things to do! So yeah, that's a thing. So I'm kinda sitting here, sweating my balls off as I die from this insane heatwave my city is getting. Like 25 degrees Celsius man. I joke of course, while I die from intense heat that is higher than 25, I still know that to some countries this is perfectly normal temperature and are used to it. Well I'm not acclimatised to it. So I'm here, sweating. And now I've got to add reading scripts and screenplays to my daily routine. At least one a day hopefully. Jesus my massive list of stuff to do to remain healthy is massive, but I just love doing all of it. Anyway, I'mma brainstorm tonight and actually try and get some ideas out of my melty brain.

* * *

Also, I'm going to be holding a massive Cyberpunk discussion with any writers out there who want to participate. Cyberpunk is my favourite genre ever (Actually buying more books of it the day after I write this, I'm such a bad person, I have so many books to read) and I really want to make a Cyberpunk story so I'd love to have a massive discussion which I'll set up. I dunno if you guys wanna grab as many FanFiction writers and readers as you know and maybe get them in on this discussion but it's out there, unless writers and readers get involved it's not going to amount to much and I'll just end up with my betareaders (Who're the bomb) and myself. Completely your choice though, send me a message

* * *

Well I was planning on brainstorming. Then my brain was like, hey, this idea's so good I want you to just do that section now and work out the story later. So I just 1200 words and didn't even plan out my story. Yay!

* * *

Hey again readers, just to say a small thank you again to everyone out there. I, uh, I kinda dunno how to make any of this go. Like whenever I thank someone in public for something big all I can do it hug them and try to not make it awkward but it always ends up awkward. But I'd like to thank all of you so much. Seriously, so so much. I, well. Not a lot has been going great for me lately. It's stagnant. Like we're in a good place, but I'm not progressing. This is job related mostly but I was looking for a part time work for 2 months and eventually gave up and became a volunteer worker. But for the past couple of weeks I've become slow and stagnant. I wasn't actually doing anything creative, which to me is stupid. Cause I love being creative. And I found that the endless waiting and constantly re-trying and retrying and retrying and retrying and not getting anywhere wore down me and I didn't try advancing for these two weeks. And I had a depressing day today where I realised I hadn't been doing anything creative for 2 weeks. Whereas actually I had. I've been reading, so so much. I've been reading articles, I've been reading books, and I've been designing and preparing and preparing and learning as much as I can. And I have been creative, I wrote, I designed, I thought, I wrote stuff down. And I attribute it to you lot. My writing and my readers. You lot. So that even in my time where I wasn't actually creating, I was learning. I was trying to improve myself. I was listening to TED talks, I was practicing my thinking. I was learning. And I was writing. So to myself that says you've been doing nothing and you're becoming lax and not trying. Only half true my evil alter ego known as depression! ONLY HALF TRUE BITCH. ONLY HALF TRUE

Readers. Thank you.

* * *

Well. I just read 10 fanfics by Yuji23, Alsodef, Waddlebuff, 4dollarbill, TheLastYukami, LiduiDSol, xStormyNightsx, Kneesurgery, BlackhandCat and Shvick. On the week of abstention from masturbation (Hey that is an awesome rhyme) and my god, you make it hard to actually walk around the place guys. I was doing it for inspiration and to see how I can improve but now I have to go to the toilet whilst doing a handstand.

* * *

Man I suck, I need to keep improving. My story and description of sex needs to improve dammit! Arghghghgh. I don't give the right description, I give too much description, my sentences don't flow together, information seems all over the place, things seem out of place, descriptions should less comicy and breaking the atmosphere, I should use better description words, I should use sound a lot more as a sense, as well as smell, touch and taste. My actual erotica pales in comparison to others. I must improve more! MORE!

Things I have realised: I don't actually like most of the sex scene in Hot Air. Like don't get me wrong, I love it, but I don't like it descriptively. It was too rushed. I tried to finish it too soon and it just clouded my mind. It wasn't quality smut

Sharing Prey was probably my best description of sex but again it slowly fell off. Like it seems all my smut just slowly falls off when it get near the end.

FTFA was great in what I wanted to attempt and I thought I did it actually really well. It didn't fall off and was overall pretty awesome sex scene though its line of thoughts and sentences didn't work as well as it could have. It should've flowed more and it would've been beautiful

OUFT was a bit of an improvement on my work in general though I think that's cause I held through to the end and didn't just want it to finish. As I wrote it in one sitting I didn't have the problem of just trying to finish it and so my work didn't suffer. I kinda wish it was longer even though I was practicing writing short stories. I'm a terrible person for thinking that

* * *

Okay, my body health is sucking right now. You wanna know why? Growth spurt! I'm freaking 20 years old and am going to go through my last growth spurt and my god I didn't realise how annoying these were. I've literally collapsed twice now whilst trying to read. I just sit down, pull out my book and wake up 2 hours later with my mouth open and drool everywhere. It's really annoying cause I'm trying to get stuff done and my body's just like: NOPE. SLEEP NOW.

So because of that, my work is probably not going to coming out anytime soon. I'd say give it till the 1st of September. Actually, that'll be my aim. 1st of September I'll get this out to you guys. I'll try and now overwork myself with the amount of research I'm doing (Like seriously, I read the entire of Aristotle's _Poetics._ Tbf, it was pretty freaking awesome read. So interesting) but I can't promise anything. I love learning but it hurts my head with the amount I take in on a daily basis.

So hopefully in good health

 **Onwards!**


	11. A Moonlight that Casts a Shadow - Part 2

I keep collapsing, because of various reasons! I grew another inch and guess what! I got infected intestines…. Which means I have malabsorption which is kinda like malnutrition, but I'm eating the right food and having a variety of minerals, except my body isn't absorbing them. So guess what the answer is: foods that're high in sugar or calories. This is the first time I've been asked to eat sugary foods to save my health.

Well, to those of you who actually read this and keep up with it. Awesome. Like thanks, I probably won't be able to express how much you actually mean to me. So I'm not going to try cause I know you lot will get it XD. Just kidding, you lot are absolutely awesome and I can never thank you enough. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this but I guess its cause I feel I should express I'm doing well. Like a lot of information about people only comes out if something bad happened. Or something momentous has happened. But to be honest, nothing much has happened. I'm just doing well, and I wanted you lot to know. I recently started dating someone and she's been so much help to me and I can't thank her enough. She's a bundle of fun and just fits along with me, so got a great hope for the future right there. And my plans for making films and such are going smoothly. Dunno if you lot would watch my first feature but it'd be cool if you did, dunno if it'll even go to a festival but I will try! I'm just happy to recover, relearn and renew myself. So doing fine fams

I'm on a film shoot, oh yeah, got a job on a crew, oh yeah, I gotta get up at 6am, oh crap, I got responsibilities now, oh damn, does mean I'm a grown up? Oh shit, I'm nervous as all hell, oh please don't fuck up. Absolutely terrified right so, so much I'm struggling to do anything productive.

Alright, these last 2 weeks have been just out of this world really. So much so I've forgotten to do my lists of things and that's not good. For some reason, while the Olympics have been on I've been so unproductive I feel stupid. But now, tomorrow, it'll start again. I'll be back in the driving seat. I'll have a job for a bit. I have a girl to take out on dates. I have projects to do. I have scripts and books to read. I have drawing and music to practice. I have movies to watch. I have stories to write. I have a life to live! Fuck yeah! I'm feeling good.

Feeling like I should be singing Rick Astley right now. Well, on the opposite side, I was meant to be writing a lot today, I should be able to finish my story in 2 days (Hopefully) and give it to my betas on Tuesday cause I'm busy then (Off to see a movie, classic/generic date, then having a picnic, pretty different date, so combining the two) And then we'll do touch-ups on the 31st, try and make sure we have one last read over of it and then send it out. From now on whenever I do a story again I'm gonna have several read overs of it and grab people's opinions cause I want them to be as good as possible now and I realise I haven't been quality checking enough myself. I'm kinda disappointed in my work but hey, that where you come in. Anyone who wants to read my work and comment on it and discuss anything, character, story structure, implications, arcing relationships, goals, etc, etc. Please message me, I wanna talk to you and discuss with you. I love talking to people.

ARGHGHGHG. SO MUCH TO DO. I have 24 hours of television to watch, 13 books that're over 500 pages each to read, so many movies to watch, poetry to read, drawing to practice, music to practice, a language to learn (Learning Welsh, god alive it's harder than Latin), and etc, etc, etc. I was just going on about how I have a life to live, but now I have 0 time. So much so I uninstalled League so I'd stop procrastinating. No I'm not kidding. It's killing me, Yorick is coming out too….

I collapsed from overworking again… I should try and stop doing that… Well looks like I wont be writing today. Gonna just relax…. Alright fine… league, you're allowed back in my life… Alright… I'll do some more writing…

Back in small room. Gotta plan for a short film. Too many ideas. Too much tiredness. Not enough time for writing. I'm sweating. Will write. Writing is fun. Must not forget to film. Hate being sick. Hate growing. God I'll be like 6'4" when I'm finished. Gotta keep writing. Can't disappoint people. So goddamn tired. Gotta keep pressing forwards.

Alright, I did 1000 words which is pretty good I guess. I kinda wanna do more now though.

ONLY 4000 WORDS LEFT. And I'm completing it tonight. BetaReaders, you better move your asses.

To everyone of my readers. I'm so so sorry. I thought this'd become a more regular thing. I thought that now that I had more time I could do more things but everything just keeps getting in the way. And when I mean everything, I mean everything. Like I just devoted myself to learning. Everything. So I have so much to do cause I'm just placing more burdens on my head. I thought this'd become more a monthly thing and I admit when I just focused on these stories I could do like one a month. I remember Sharing Prey I did within 2 months and it was awesome. Then Spellbound took me ages. And Hot Air took me ages (Admitted, I had exams and travelling to different countries, so I wont count that one) but I feel like I'm failing you guys and girls out there. Hope you're all okay

I'm just so sorry for slowing down. I truly apologise.


	12. MRZ and (Ahri x XinZhao Lemon) - Part 1

Man, I really do suck at this don't I? Like I feel like I have the erotica side of things down, like I've got a style and it's getting better and better and better. I mean Cow Sona and my Kayle fic were my best lemons yet. I love them to bits (Not the MF one, fuck that day). But man, I'm trying to write more like the great cyberpunk writers, I'm trying to get out my own style but I just struggle to even get anywhere close. Man, this is going to take longer than I thought. Sorry guys, will be a long one this one. But I intend to do another big story soon, I promise.

* * *

Jesus freaking H Christ. Sorry, that's my name for Christ. But man, I'm using lighting terms and learning about sunspots and celestial bodies and all sorts of stuff just so I can describe things better for you. Like did you know if you make a cone of shadow (Like if you light something from directly above, or directly to the side, like the planets for instance) you have different parts of the shadow? Man, I feel like you lot if you still read my stuff will have to look up things just to understand them. Man this is so much fun.

* * *

Oh god I'm feeling so much better. Sorry everyone for the last Monthly Lemon, gotta admit, worst day in 9 months. Like literally, almost had a panic attack trying to do work whilst at home. Didn't though, managed to push through it and actually do 4.5K of words, which is good considering I was going through semi-paralysis. But now I'm back at Uni, feeling so much better. I wanna keep writing and having fun! I wanna do another story for Cow Sona! I dunno why?! I just do! Argh please someone tell me whether that's a good idea or not.

* * *

Truth eh? Well if I don't believe the truth, then it's just simply not true right? God I hated this election. I actually lived in America for most of it as well just to come back to Britain to find they've fucked my own country. Thanks Obama. You've actually done a really good job as president. Kinda. Well. You did an alright job. Like nowhere near the best, in fact you failed soo much. But hey, you're better than a dumpster fire.

* * *

Well this'll be another new venture to keep up my ability to write conflict and ideas. Gotta admit, was feeling pretty crappy today. I got a bit done yesterday and just kinda had a depressing day today. But hey, we have good days and bad days and I'm feeling better now that I know the problem and will sort it out. Getting back into meditation, exercise, cleanliness, challenge, relaxation, work, everything I gotta do to keep the mind healthy. Can't believe I have to list it but that's because fuck off mental illness.

On another note, I'm getting another tattoo! Why? Cause Fuck the world, that's why. I want one. If I can afford it. Arghghghg. People did say they'd donate if it was possible. Ha ha ha ha ha fucking FF stopping me from saying the word

* * *

Um, to everyone who likes my stuff, I'm going on a small break. Mainly because I'm doing an insane amount of film research and Uni work is catching up to me. So sorry, I will be back I promise. I have a bunch of stuff lined up to write and I'm really looking forward to it but my god, just, arghghgh! I'm so happy! Just so god damn happy. Like man, it's been a while since I've felt this good. I know I haven't really filled out my thoughts in a while cause I just wrote, I didn't do anything massive I was just writing to keep up with my writing cause I thought I hit a good point (Cow Sona and Kayle Fic was a real boost to me, like it I think it's my best work) and I haven't done any massive fics but now that I've got MRZ and this new big Lemon story (Yup, I'm getting back into them) I'm going to be doing a lot of thinking about my writing and life in general so I love you all. I'll be back in maybe a month or 2!

* * *

TL:DR - I'm doing research for 2 months. Like hard life research. If you have an suggestions in culturally significant things, please suggest them for me to see/read/study/look at(Paintings and such)/Listen to/etc/etc

So I'll be back in 2 months. Sorry guys


End file.
